Purple Kanga
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Saying Goodbye
It has been a very tiring, emotional day here. Tanna never got any better and around 3:15 we had to make the terrible decision to have her put down, losing both her and the foal. I do not like playing God.
I hate my vet. He acted affronted when I demanded to know why this was happening, and then gave very vague reasons. He trotted out his pat "liver failure" answer that I'm ever so sick of hearing. Yes, she was in liver failure but that was because of her being down for so long. What caused her to go down?
I was here alone when all this happened. M had gone to Ga for our feed run (we get 1 ton at a time) and Jim was gone to take Martha to an appointment. I held her head til I saw the spark leave her eye. She was peaceful.
The vet kept referring to her as "the horse" and "this mare" and I finally snapped saying:
"this mare" has a name! She might be just some culled horse to you, but to me she was Tanna, the one that wouldn't be tamed! She will be mourned by more than just me. If she had died at the PMU farm no one would've ever known her, or mourned her, or remembered her, but here she will be remembered, here she was loved! Remember her! And mourn her! for she is an example what happens when man's greed and arrogance are allowed free rein!
Somehow I don't think he was expecting that. I only had Tanna for 6 months. For 6 months she lived a normal horse life. She had plenty of water, regular meals and shelter from the weather. She was loved and doted on. If that is all that I could do for her, then so be it! I made the time she had here as close to horsey perfect as I could.
We luckily were able to talk to Dr. Stafford earlier today and he gave us an honest answer to our questions about Tanna. He said that he's worked a good bit with the PMU mares and that he's familiar with their history. He also was upfront about saying that all of Tanna's symptoms made no sense to him. He feared that she had EPM or West Nile (neurological diseases). EPM makes sense in that she lost control of her hindquarters and she presented a few other signs of that particular disease. He was honest about the limited feasibility of her making a full recovery. The thing that pleased me the most with him was that he didn't talk down to me, or put me down for having a PMU mare. The other vet acted like I was someone that just wanted a cheap horse.
The other vet kept making comments about how these mares (PMU) are pretty much guarenteed heart aches. I told him I would do it all again, and yes I would get another PMU mare if one became available. And yes I will cry if that one should die too. I know these mares come with baggage, but they deserve every effort I've made, every tear I've shed. They deserve to be remembered.
Tanna, her first night as a free horse. Dec 2003
I've been reading your story, and I just wanted to say that I was sorry to
read of your loss. You were a great caretaker for Tanna, I'm sure that she
knew it, and in the future I hope that you are blessed with another
wonderful mare like her.
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